i'm an idiot

yeah...sometimes it's good to remember that - I'm an idiot.  This isn't a pity party, just a sad realization - a smack into reality - an overdue arrival at the truth.  For several reasons:

1)For letting the good in some people blind me to the glaringly not so good.  It can be a good thing, but not when it's bad for me.  Heaven help me, this is an all the time battle. 

2)For letting people tell me what to do when it isn't their place. 

3)For liking something just because someone I like, likes it (hate that one!).  who am i?  julia roberts in runaway bride? 

Ok, that's enough, but I know there's more.  OOoo, 4) For being too open about my life and thoughts with too many people - sometimes perfect strangers.

Yeah, I don't know.  I guess we're all idiots.  Especially the one's who think they're not.  I pity the fool (hahahaha).  I don't know what kind of mood I'm in tonight - it's a wonkie one. 

Ok, here's a rant, a rave...no just a rant.

I am so disapointed in a lot of the "menfolk" I've come to call friends.  I guess I didn't realize it so much before my "smack into reality" but they're not very nice.  Lots of times i think nice people tend not to notice when other people aren't being very nice to them (I don't usually notice).  Then you think back on it later and it's like a delayed reaction, "heyyy...wait a minute..."  So sad.  Anyhoo...can't say as I know too many gentlemen unfortunately.  Oh sure, they are "respectful" in that "Christian" sort of way.  No one's trying to get into my pants (sorry for being so vulgar, mom - just trying to make a point).  When I use quotation marks, I mean them.  Inasmuch to say that they are not actually respectful or very Christ-like.  Many times I feel a little bit ignored or bullied rather than cherished or treated with a brotherly kind of love and respect.  Who wants to feel like an accesory?  I sure don't and that's usally what i feel like when we "hang out."  Aren't men supposed to be the accesories?  Ha!  Just kidding...sort of .  No really, I am.  What is this genocide of maturity and security??  Why is it so lacking?  Many of them suffer from the "I" complex.  Immature, Insecure, I am all that matters.  It's very depressing.  I hope it's a phase.  I hope they're not irreversibly self-centered.  Honestly, we're all pretty self-centered.  But wouldn't it be nice to put someone else first?  To actually put yourself out in order to be there for someone else.  Oh poo.  Please know that whenever I preach these things, I find myself a bit sheepish, realizing that I can always be taking my own advice.  What I'm really talking about here is the serious lack of those common courtesies.  That easy going nature that says, "It's cool.  God loves you and so do I."  It's just sooooo simple. 

I really don't need that disrespect, you know?  I really don't.  It's good to remember that you don't have to put up with it.  Especially when you realize, you've sort of been the one subjecting yourself to it all along.  So many times I have had to remind myself to spend my time with people who will actually encourage and build me up.  It seems like a no-brainer, right?  yup.  Guess that's why I'm an idiot.

Currently Reading The World's Easiest Guide to Finances (World's Easiest Guides) By Larry Burkett, Randy Southern see related

my big decision

I've decided I'm moving out.  Not right away of course because that isn't feasible and I really can't afford it.  But hopefully by the fall.  I don't know, I just feel like it's time.  I have a hard time feeling like I can grow up when I'm still at home.  It's too much like it was when I was in High School.  I'm freakin 23 years old!! 

Ok, so my one big problem is money.  I have two parttime jobs that make ok to decent money.  I just need to stop spending it on stuff I don't really need.  Sure I "needed" new clothes to wear to work.  But really I could just wear the couple of things I already have.  If I could get my butt out of bed in the morning and into bed at night just a little earlier I'd have time to pack lunches for work instead of "treating" myself to fast food. 

I'm reading this book about finances and it suggests putting away the amount of money you think you'll need for bills/rent/groceries from your paycheck and living on what's left.  I'm gonna try it for a few months and pay off the few impending debts I have like my credit card (hate it!) and my plane ticket to Italy (school trip).  My students loans come due in November so that's another $300 a month or so expense to factor in. 

I know it isn't going to be easy but I've never had it easy financially.  I just feel like it's really important to my sanity and to my growth as a person.  It will also be great for my relationship with my mom too.  I hope.  I just can't stand being under her roof all the time.  There's a whole lot that goes into it and it's difficult to explain.  But I need to be free.  I want it. 

made a new friend tonight.  she's nice.  it's good to find friends who know what it's like to be where you are in life.  So much of the time lately I have felt so inbetween and lost.  I still have friends at Asbury but it is way different now.  We just aren't a part of each other's daily lives anymore and it makes a big difference.  i'm getting to know people at work a lot better.  We don't actually hang out though - of course most of us don't have a lot of time to hang out anyway so basically work is hanging out.  it's weird cause it seems like college is all about socializing and making friends and hanging out...whoo!  And then you graduate and...well, life isn't really about that at all.  I mean friends are great and who could survive without them?  But i guess your priorities kinda change.  I'm feeling kind of lost again - like i'm not really sure what i'm talking about.  i think i need to go to bed.  i have no time for introspection so it all just kind of spills out here.

a fairy tale?

watched the new season premiere of "the bachelor" tonight.  (she somewhat sheepishly admitted).  I'm not sure why, but i do find it very interesting.  some (who shall remain nameless) would probably say it's just another way to give in to "the man," just like facebook and myspace...er...xanga, etc.  Reality TV probably falls into that same category.  BUT, whatever.  I find it very interesting and mostly it makes me feel relieved that there are girls out there MUCH more desperate than me!  And, in truth, the romantic in me hopes that the bachelor will indeed find true love regardless of the unlikely chance that he will given the completely unrealistic cirumstances and time constraints - not to mention the constant camera surveillance.  Are Trista and Ryan still together?   That was a Bachelorette romance...i never did understand why he put up with her spoiledness and pink obsession.  But for some reason, they at least made it down the aisle. 

i guess the interest i take in shows like that is the same (at least in some sense) as the interest that other people sometimes take in my own "love life" (if it can even be called that ).  everybody likes a fairy tale ending and hopes that it can really happen.  being a single girl, i guess i'm just a fairy tale waiting to happen .  i think so.  but i'm pretty sure that even though some people think they know my story and the way it ought to end, there's only One who really knows.   

i can't help wondering which someone it might be.  with every person there is the possibility of a completely different life.  it's kind of fun to think about.  who knows? maybe my "fairy tale" has already begun to unfold...

one is silver and the other gold

just got back from soaking up the asbury.  i forget what it's like when i haven't been there in a while.  i graduated in december and it feels like a lifetime ago.  it was just good to be around the unique people who make asbury what it is - to sit in on matt's piano practice and listen to funny stories about this and that. 

asbury is where my school family is.  i miss them.  my home family gives me a hard time about wanting to go back and visit "so much."  That is, once a week if I have the time and the gas money.  I know I ought to focus on my life after Asbury and i do.  It's just that everything that was familiar for four and half years is completely swept away from my life.  unless i go back and see my wonderful friends and laugh with people who already know me and accept me the way that i am.  now is the time in my life where i am meeting new people at work and trying to get to know them and have them know me.  it isn't quite the same. 

i do enjoy the lack of homework, community standards and actually having some free time to speak of.  but please don't take away the joy and comfort of my old friends.  they won't always be so accessible as they are now.  the further you get from socially concentrated situations like college (you know since i'm so far away now ) the more you realize the value of the friends you already have.  they aren't so easy to come by. 

my preschool kids on the other hand are absolutely the best little friends ever!  we're getting to know each other quite well now and i get lots of little hugs everyday.  spending time with children is like therapy for me.  i forget everything else and focus on their needs and the love i give to them and they show to me.  it's beautiful really.  sure you get some stinkers sometimes who don't listen or just like to be evil, but still...

everyday Grant, who is 2 years old, runs up and throws his tiny little arms around my legs and smiles his cute little smile at me.  loooove it.  looove him!  i seriously want to eat him up, i don't know how his parents leave him everyday.  Most days I get quite a throng of children holding my hands and just hanging around me.  I like playing with them.  We play lots of duck, duck goose and london bridge.  Yesterday one of the teachers asked me to tell them a story while we killed time til lunch.  I had no story so i just made it up.  Kids are good with their imaginations so they accept pretty much any story if you make it sound interesting.  It was so fun.  I had Grant on my lap and had all the kids scoot in around me.  They were such a captive audience - like 30 kids aged 2-5.  Being with them is great.  it certainly has its tough times, but there are great things about that job and they all have to do with individual children who have stolen pieces of my heart.

mistakes and successes

so this morning i got in trouble at preschool.  yes, it's true. apparently i have misunderstood for the last several weeks where i'm supposed to be at a certain time and how imperative that is.  it was an honest mistake but one that made me feel lousy and looked down upon.  haaaaate that.  i'm already the youngest teacher there so i'm just a little insecure.  i really shouldn't be.  i didn't do anything wrong - it wasn't explained to me in detail, so i made assumptions (something that i am now very paranoid about).  But you know, things like that have to happen sometimes, because you really can't (and no boss really wants you to) ask questions about every little thing.  I always want to because i'm afraid of doing something incorrectly (and i suppose my fears were realized today).  It's just so frustrating when I'm trying so hard to do a good job to then have someone speak down to me and treat me as if I was trying to get away with something.  Ugh.  I also had difficult children today.  A couple of my "usuals" weren't there at all and I missed them...a lot.  there's a certain bond that takes place between the teacher and the child and as you get to know each other you know where the other stands.  it's easier to communicate and get the child to listen and obey when you have that bond and understanding.  all that to say it was a rough day at preschool and i really don't think i want to do this next school year.

I have an opportunity to lead a choir of jr high and highschool homeschool kids next school year, once a week.  I'd really like a job where i have the freedom to do that.  which leads me to my successes of the day...

i've been working part time at Bath and Body works since November and i recently got a promotion to temporary Sales Lead.  It's a little bit of a raise, a lot more responsibility, but great experience.  i just had some more training tonight and acted as CSL (Customer Sales Lead) for the last hour of the day.  I did really well!  Now, it's not exactly my life's goal to become the store manager of Bath and Body works someday.  But it is something I enjoy, something I'm good at and it's flexible with my available hours.  And, I get to work with people in my age bracket which is kind of like working with friends.  Socialization is something I really hunger for right now, especially with people my own age. 

At the preschool, I feel a little out of place.  I loooove the kids and they are all so fabulous - even sometimes the naughty ones.  i love to take a "bad" child and find the good in them.  i've been able to do that with several kids and it just takes getting to know them and little bit or firmness and compassion.  It makes me so happy to see them respond well when i take the time to be patient with them.  But even with all the good things, i'm already tired of taking care of other people's children.  maybe it's not even that...i don't know.  it's hard to think clearly about it when i just had a bad time of it today.

looking forward to the summer.  then i'll be finished with preschool, off to Italia, then to exoctic PA for Camp.  So much to look forward to.